Ten Hag admits new Manchester United goalkeeper is shite

Manchester United manager Erik Ten Hag has already conceded that the club’s new goalkeeper André Onana is shite.

Ten Hag gave an unusually honest press conference after United lost 3-2 to Galatasaray at Old Trafford in the Champions League last night in a match where the Cameroonian goalie was particularly shite.

“Yeah he’s shite. In fact he’s becoming more and more shite with each game. Can you imagine how shite he would be by the end of the season if we left him in goals? No. Let’s not even contemplate that. Would any of you guys happen to have David de Gea’s phone number?”

Former Manchester United goalkeeper David de Gea won the golden gloves last season for keeping the most clean sheets in the Premier League. However, the club decided to let him go. Surprisingly, De Gea is currently a free agent and is not playing for any club. We asked him if he’d consider going back to United.

“Of course I would.” he told us. “If the manager, the board of directors and the owners get down on their knees and kiss my hairy Spanish balls. Maybe then I’d consider it. Until then they’ll just have to carry on with that shite they have now. Adios amigos! If anybody is looking for me I’ll be on the beach.”