Leading Irish Doctor Warns Men “Skinny Jeans Are Crushing Your Nuts!”

A leading Irish doctor has warned men who regularly wear jeans labelled ‘Skinny Fit’ that they may be causing permanent damage to their nutsacks. Full Story

President Higgins Hoping He Dies Before Trump Visits Ireland

President of Ireland Michael D. Higgins has confided in friends that he hopes he’s dead and buried if Donald Trump ever gets around to visiting Ireland as President of the United States. Full Story

Irish Weather Warning Upgraded To “Fierce Cold”

Having previously issuing a “Fierce Windy” weather warning last month, Met Éireann has today issued a “Fierce Cold” weather warning for the whole country with some counties also expected to bombarded with light drizzle. Full Story

Offaly Village trying To Hide Links To Trump’s Great-Grandfather

Residents of a village in County Offaly are denying that Donald Trump’s great-grandfather lived there before emigrating to America in 1894. Full Story

Priest Says C Word During Mass To See If Anyone’s Listening

An Irish Catholic priest has admitted that he said the C word during mass just to see if anyone in attendance was actually listening to his sermon. Full Story

People Of Cork Call For Hard Border

A huge demonstration on the streets of Cork City yesterday heard that the people of Ireland’s rebel county overwhelmingly reject interference from Dublin and believe they should govern themselves. Full Story

Trump Signs Bill Legalising Gun Vending Machines

U.S. President Donald Trump fulfilled one of his election campaign promises this week when he legalised gun vending machines. Full Story

Woman Awards Herself An Hour Of Facebook For Every 10 Minutes Of Work

A local office worker has decided that for every 10 minutes of work she does she should spend the next hour on Facebook. Full Story

Neighbours Delighted As Man Trying To Put Up Christmas Lights Is Electrocuted

Residents of a Dublin suburb were overwhelmed with joy last night when a local man who was trying to turn on his Christmas lights on the 9th of November was electrocuted and died. Full Story

Man Sent Shopping For 4 Items Gets 3 Of Them Wrong

A 36-year-old man who was sent to the local Aldi store by his wife for just four things somehow managed to get three of them wrong. Full Story

Local Girl Left Traumatised After Facebook Post Receives Only Two Likes

A 19-year-old girl has been left traumatised after posting a status update on Facebook that she thought was hilarious but her friends thought was shite. Full Story

President Higgins Shrinking

The President of Ireland, Michael D. Higgins, is shrinking rapidly and it seems nothing can be done to stop it. Full Story

Britain Ecstatic As Some Baldy Fella Gets His Missus Pregnant

There were scenes of jubilation across Britain yesterday after an official statement from Kensington Palace announced that Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton are expecting their third child. Full Story

New Ryanair Seats to Deliver `Mild Electric Shock’ To Kids Who Kick Them From Behind

There was great news for frequent flyers this week with the announcement that children who continuously kick the seat in front on Ryanair flights will soon be electrocuted. Full Story

Spain To Impose Travel Ban On Gingers

Spanish Government officials have announced that they are to introduce a ban on gingers entering the country in a controversial new policy which will come into effect early next year. Full Story

Man Deservedly Beaten Up For Ordering Glass Of Red Wine In Pub

A court has been told how a local man who walked into a pub and ordered a glass of red wine instead of a pint received a good kicking from the other customers in the bar. Full Story

“Now I Know How Mandela Felt When He Was Imprisoned” Joan Burton

Those were just some of the harrowing words of Joan Burton yesterday as she gave evidence during the trial of seven men charged with falsely imprisoning the former Táiniste. Full Story

Ryanair To Start Charging Passengers By Weight

Senior management at Ryanair have confirmed that the price of a seat on one of their flights will soon be directly linked to the weight of the passenger buying it. Full Story

McDonald’s Launch The McLanger In Cork

McDonald’s have launched a surprise new addition to their menu in an attempt to attract more customers back to their restaurants. Full Story

Scumbag Shot in Dublin

A 36 year old man has been shot in what appears to be a gangland attack in a pub in Dublin’s north inner city. Gardaí have confirmed that the injured man is a scumbag. Full Story

Queen Has Slight Cough, Britain Goes Into Meltdown

The Queen of England has been diagnosed with a slight, tickly cough and Britain has gone into absolute fucking meltdown. Full Story

President Plants Tree To Commemorate Other Tree

At a lavish ceremony on the grounds of Charleville Castle in Tullamore this morning, a crowd of almost 12 people gathered to witness the President of Ireland plant a tree to commemorate a much older tree. Full Story