Irish Navy dispatched to confront Russian warship off the west coast of Ireland

Dramatic pictures just reaching us seem to confirm that the Irish navy has set sail from Dublin Port for the west coast of Ireland to confront a Russian warship off the Cork coast.

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has just told an emergency press conference in Leinster House “All Irish navy personnel have been on standby this week and I can confirm that both of them are now on a boat racing towards our west coast. All going well they should get there in about eight weeks.”

The Taoiseach was asked what exactly the Irish Navy are going to do to when they encounter the Russian ship.

“They’re going to tell them to stop acting the shite. Well, ask them. You don’t see the Irish Navy off the coast of Russia. Okay so our lads probably wouldn’t get much further than the Isle of Man but that’s not the point. I’ve been trying all morning to contact Mr Putin by phone to raise our objections. Unfortunately we can’t figure out the area code for Moscow.”

The Taoiseach said the navy is not the only weapon at his disposal.

“If this fails I’ll have no choice but to send in the Irish Air Force. He’s on holidays in Lanzarote at the moment but he’s on standby and is ready to be deployed at a moment’s notice. We just need to look into buying him a plane first.”

Vladimir Putin was asked today how he felt about Ireland’s response to Russian ships appearing in Irish waters. He replied “What’s Ireland?”