20 reasons to be happy football’s not “Coming Home”

Here are 20 reasons to be happy that England were beaten by Spain in the Euro 2024 final in Berlin last night and why Irish people who tell you we should support our neighbours are gobshites.

Local rivalry is a thing. The Scots and Welsh love to see England lose. Brazil love to see Argentina lose. Holland love to see Germany lose. The same goes for New Zealand and Australia. Croatia and Serbia. Offaly and Westmeath. Finglas and Ballymun. It’s a worldwide tradition and it’s fun so get over yourselves you brit-licking clowns.

1. They call us Paddys and love telling jokes about Irish people being thick.

2. They expect everyone abroad to speak fluent English.

3. Yorkshire Puddings.

4. They boo every other country’s national anthem.

5. The biggest selling ‘newspaper’ in England is The Sun. Enough said.

6. Jimmy Saville.

7. They are all somehow incapable of grasping the very simple fact that we are not British.

8. Love Island.

9. Their fans are yobs.

10. Margaret Thatcher

11. They call our country Southern Ireland.

12. Boris fucking Johnson.

13. The Commonwealth Games. The most pointless and ridiculous sporting event ever conceived.

14. Oliver bastard Cromwell.

15. They go to Spain every year to spend two weeks eating egg and chips in an English bar while drinking English beer and watching Eastenders.

16. Pork pies.

17. They think England won two world wars on their own.

18. They have terrible names like Nigel and Doris.

19. Prince Andrew.

20. They starved one million Irish people to death and wiped out 50% of our population which wasn’t very nice at all now was it?