20 reasons to be happy football’s not “Coming Home”

Paul McRingo | Hurling Correspondent

Just in case you needed them, here are 20 reasons to be happy that England were beaten by Argentina in the World Cup semi-final on Wednesday night and why Irish people who tell you that you should support your neighbours are gobshites.

Local rivalry is a thing. The Scots and Welsh love to see England lose, which apparently is perfectly fine. Serbia love to see Croatia lose. Holland love to see Germany lose. The same goes for New Zealand and Australia. India and Pakistan. Offaly and Westmeath. Finglas and Ballymun. It’s a worldwide tradition and it’s fun so get over yourselves you brit-licking clowns.

1. They call us Paddys and love telling jokes about Irish people being thick.

2. They expect everyone abroad, in every country in the world, to speak fluent English.

3. Their hideous flat beer. Utter piss.

4. Love Island.

5. The biggest selling ‘newspaper’ in England is The Sun. Enough said.

6. They call our country Southern Ireland.

7. They are all somehow incapable of grasping the very simple fact that we are not British.

8. Piers cunt-face Morgan.

9. Their football fans are thick yobs.

10. Margaret Thatcher.

11. The Commonwealth Games. Let’s have an athletics competition against all the countries we invaded. 😅

12. John Terry.

13. Yorkshire puddings.

14. They go to Spain every year to spend two weeks eating egg and chips in an English bar while drinking English beer and watching Eastenders.

15. Oliver bastard Cromwell.

16. They think England won two world wars and sing songs about it. Now that’s thick!

17. Pork pies.

18. They name their kids Nigel and Doris.

19. Prince Andrew.

20. They starved one million Irish people to death and wiped out 20% of our population which wasn’t very nice at all now was it?