England concede football’s probably never coming home

England has finally conceded that football is probably never coming home.

The three lions or lionesses or whatever the hell they’re calling themselves today completely bottled it in the Women’s World Cup final in Sydney yesterday, just like their men’s team bottle it every time they come within reaching distance of actually winning something.

After yesterday’s defeat, Match of the Day host Gary Lineker put it to Rio Ferdinand that England should be proud of themselves and that they’ll be back.

“Oh back my arse!” snapped Ferdinand. “Back to what? Back to losing again? Time to face facts, Gary. It’s never coming home and that song can f*ck off forever!”

Fellow pundit Alan Shearer agreed and said he believes the main reason football’s not coming home is because England are shite.

“I’m tired of it now Gary. I’m middle-aged and bald and I’m tired congratulating England teams for losing. I’m done with it. Our men are shite and our women are shite. We’re just shite Gary.”

Lineker eventually conceded that football’s probably never coming home and all three agreed the only thing for it is to keep going on about the 1966 World Cup until they’re all dead.