All EU Cows To Be Fitted With Fart Catchers To Reduce Methane Gas Emissions

As the COP26 climate summit continues in Glasgow today, EU environment secretary Hermann Von Gutentag told World leaders that all cows residing in the EU will be required to be fitted with fart catchers by the end of next year at the latest.

Mr Von Gutentag said the move shows the EU is serious when it comes to saving the planet by reducing methane gas emissions.

“As most of you probably know, cows have four stomachs but only one arse. That’s a lot of stomachs for one arse to deal with so as you can imagine, they spend pretty much every waking hour non-stop farting and doing shites. They’re destroying our planet.”

The EU Minister went on to say the roll-out of the fart catchers will begin immediately throughout member states.

President of the Irish Farmers Association PJ Heffernan however told us he believes it’s all a load of nonsense.

“Fart catchers me hole.” he said. “I’ve never heard anything so stupid. They’re no worse than any other animal. Or people for that matter.

“My granny, God rest her soul, ate feck all when she was alive and let me tell you, if you think cow farts are lethal, they’re no match for hers. I’d say if you measured her gas emissions they were off the scale and there’s far worse than her out there but you don’t hear anyone saying people should start wearing fart catchers. Good for the environment my arse. No pun intended.”

Mr Von Gutentag said that from January 2023 environmental officers will be visiting cattle farms in all EU countries including Ireland and any cow found not wearing a fart catcher will be shot on sight.