Minister Says Patients May Soon Be Asked To Bring Their Own Beds To Hospital

Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly has said patients being admitted to hospital may soon be asked to bring their own beds. The deteriorating situation across the country also prompted the Minister to make another unprecedented request.

“If you could bring your own nurses too that would be great. They don’t have to be actual nurses. A family member will do. Or just someone you know. Or someone you don’t know. Just anyone you can find to act as your nurse because apparently we don’t have enough of those either.”

Around 700 patients admitted to hospital yesterday are still waiting for a bed. Many are being treated while sitting on chairs in the nurse’s stations and lying on trolleys in corridors.

Minister Donnelly told reporters this morning “I accept this is bad but in my defence, it’s going to get worse. A lot worse. Hang on, that’s not good is it? Sorry guys, if you could all just delete that bit and let me start again, that would be great.”

The Minister also urged people to consider other options before going to a hospital emergency department. We asked him what options he had in mind.

“Well rather than go, how about don’t go? So there’s one already. And of course there’s nothing a bottle of lucozade and a bunch of grapes can’t cure. Well okay, there’s lots of things they can’t cure. In fact they can’t actually cure anything so please don’t quote me on that. In fact once again guys, if you wouldn’t mind deleting everything I just said, that would be great.

“God this is hard. I never asked for this job by the way. Just saying. I wanted to be the Minister for Sport or something fun. FML.”