President Higgins Hoping He Dies Before Trump Visits Ireland

President of Ireland Michael D. Higgins told reporters that he hopes he’s dead and buried when Donald Trump pays his next visit to Ireland. The White House announced last week that Mr. Trump will visit Ireland later this year although the exact dates have not yet been finalised. As is tradition the President of Ireland will be expected to welcome Trump to Áras an Uachtarán.

“I don’t know when exactly he’s going to darken our shores again with his presence.” said Mr. Higgins. “But God willing I’ll be six feet under before I’m ever called upon to officially welcome that prick to Ireland. I apologise for my language but honestly, the thoughts of worms munching away at my decaying corpse fill me with joy if it means I won’t have to shake hands with that orange faced bollocks.”

As we reported exclusively here recently, genealogists have found a link between a village in County Offaly and Trump’s great-grandfather so a visit to the Faithful County may also be on the cards. ……….If that is the case then a meeting between Higgins and Trump is surely inevitable. President Higgins however is adamant it’s not going to happen.

“Oh there’s always a way out of these things if you put your mind to it. Something tells me I’m going to be on the lash down in Galway that week. Lanky balls Leo can show him around Dublin while I’m gone AWOL. There’s a seisún and a barrel of porter in Spiddal with my name on it. Give me a shout when he’s gone.”