Mass numbers up 900% as first communion kids forced to attend

The number of people at mass today was up 900% on the usual Sunday attendance figures as children who are due to receive their first holy communion this month were forced to attend, mostly for the first time ever.

Mass attendance figures jump considerably every year in the lead up to first holy communions and confirmations and then plummet back down to their usual abysmal numbers for the rest of the year.

We asked Tracey Coughlan, who brought her son Jack to mass in Tullamore this morning for the first time why she went.

“Ah sure you have to. Just to keep the priest happy. Jack’s getting his first holy communion next week and most of his school friends are too so you wouldn’t want the child to be left out. It’s just tradition. He gets his first holy communion and we have a good auld session to celebrate. Roll on next Saturday.”

Does Tracey think she might make this a weekly thing now that she’s experienced what it’s like to go to mass on a Sunday morning?

“God no! Listen to a priest mumbling gibberish for nearly an hour? Can you imagine? Pure torture lads. We don’t believe in any of that nonsense anyway.”