Heaven Bans All UK Arrivals

Heaven has banned all arrivals from the UK due to fears of a new strain of the coronavirus. Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ said he had no choice but to implement the ban which comes into place from midnight tonight.

“Sorry but there’s a lot of souls up here I need to protect and if that means banning the Brits then so be it. They’ve only got themselves to blame. Anyone with relatives on the way out so to speak might want to give them a little shove in my direction if you know what I’m saying coz if they hold on til after midnight tonight they’re not coming up here and that’s a promise.”

Jesus seemed to hint that the ban on UK arrivals may well last a lot longer than a couple of weeks or even months.

“Well, if I’m perfectly honest I’ve been looking for an excuse for a while and this may well be it. I mean that whole British Empire thing. That was messed up. Those people are proper nasty.”

Jesus said the Brits have a lot of apologising and grovelling to do for past atrocities before he will consider lifting the ban and told us a good start would be giving the six counties back to Ireland.

“I’m sure people down there often wonder what side I’m on in that whole situation. Well I’m on the Irish Republicans side. So now you know. I’ve actually got relatives in Offaly and Mayo and I love a good rebel song. Anyway, tell the Brits I said if they don’t get out of Ireland they won’t get into heaven. Plain and simple. The choice is theirs. I have spoken.”