Taliban submit £5bn bid for Manchester United

The Taliban have made contact with the current owners of Manchester United Football Club and officially submitted a £5bn takeover bid.

The Islamic fundamentalists are hoping to outbid Qatari bank chairman Sheikh Jassim bin Hamad Al Thani bin Zayed Al Khalifa bin Nahyan al Hamad bin Nassr, who is believed to be the current frontrunner.

Taliban leader Mullah Yaqoob told Sky Sports “I admire the Qatari Sheikh. Not only does he have a hilariously long name, he also has as much respect for human rights as we do, lol, but we always get what we want and this deal makes sense for all involved. We get Manchester United and he gets to keep his head.”

It was put to Mr Yaqoob that no United fan would want their club to be associated with the Taliban. He disagreed.

“They can either be associated with the Taliban or continue to be associated with Mason Greenwood. Our first move when we take over will be to execute him at half-time in the centre circle. You’re welcome. But seriously though, this deal happens or people die.”