Some Shite Called The Commonwealth Games Gets Underway in England

The 2022 Commonwealth Games gets underway in England today after a glitzy opening ceremony at the Alexander Stadium in Birmingham last night. Many people aren’t sure exactly what the Commonwealth Games are and most couldn’t give a shite one way or the other.

Basically, every four years England gets together with all the countries it invaded and occupied throughout its shameful history and tries to humiliate them again by beating them at sport. In Britain these countries are called the Commonwealth.

Of course any country with an ounce of dignity that used to be a British Empire colony left the Commonwealth as soon as it regained its independence and doesn’t take part in this nonsense but lots of other countries do.

The main attraction for competitors is the fact that most of the world’s top athletes won’t be there so the chance of winning a Commonwealth Games medal is much higher than winning a proper medal.

Highlights to watch out for this week include the Lawn Bowls – where Michael Somare from Papua New Guinea is favourite to take the gold medal from reigning champion George Smith from the Isle of Man. Then there’s the Long Jump where apparently Mwengwe Womchompo from Botswana is the man to beat. Or possibly woman, we can’t remember.

You can tune into BBC1 every night to catch highlights of the day’s events from Birmingham. Or you can sit on the couch and pull your nose hairs out with a pliers which is probably the better option.