Falling out of windows replaces heart disease as biggest cause of death in Russia

Falling out of windows from very tall buildings has replaced heart disease as the biggest cause of death in Russia.

Kristina Baikova, 28, an executive at Moscow’s Loko Bank, is just the latest mysterious casualty involving high profile Russians falling out of windows.

Heart disease has actually been relegated to third place as records now show that the second biggest killer in Russia today is drinking tea with Kremlin officials.

Curiously, all those who have met their fate in such bizarre circumstances have publicly criticised Russian President Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine but the country’s Justice Minister Olga Smirnoff said that’s just a freaky coincidence.

“That’s just a freaky coincidence.” said Olga. “Of course the West would pick up on that minor and frankly irrelevant detail but that had nothing to do with the completely accidental deaths of these treasonous back-stabbing traitors. Wagner leader Yevgeny Prigozhin will fall from a window in Minsk next week and he supports the war so where does that leave your bulls**t theory? Huh? Well? Wait. Have I said too much?”

The press conference was then ended suddenly by a Russian government official and Miss Smirnoff was told to report for tea in the plush Stelka Restaurant on the top floor of Moscow’s Chekhov Hotel.