Massive giant-killing shock as plucky underdogs England beat Switzerland

Serial underachievers England pulled off the shock of Euro 2024 this evening after a dramatic penalty shoot-out win over football giants Switzerland in Dusseldorf.

England haven’t won a trophy in 58 years and they won’t win this one either but today’s result will at least give their fans something to get excited about until they inevitably get beaten.

Swiss manager Murat Yakim said his players are embarrassed by the result and that losing to inferior opposition is always hard to take.

“We underestimated them.” he admitted. “These so-called weaker teams are always capable of pulling off a shock result so we should’ve seen this coming. I’m going to take a long, hard look at myself, then go home to Switzerland, climb a mountain and jump off the top.”

After the game, former Irish international Roy Keane told Gary Lineker England shouldn’t get cocky just because they won this game.

“I’m delighted you won Gary. It’s going to make it even funnier when it all comes crashing down around your massive ears now that you’re convinced that you’re actually going to go on and win the tournament. Now fuck off Gary. You’re a prick.”