Government threatens nationwide hosepipe ban as no rain forecast for several days

People are being warned not to turn on their taps for any non-essential reason in the coming days or they risk receiving a fine or even a prison sentence.

A government warning has stated that City and County Councils could begin calling house to house to seal all taps and render them unusable for at least the rest of this week. John Breslin from Dublin Water Authority said people will need to start being a little more resourceful.

“The hosepipe ban that we expect to come into force later today could well be upgraded to a full water ban tomorrow so people will, for example, need to start coming up with other ways of getting liquid refreshment.” he said.

“Obviously the ridiculous price of bottled water in Dublin is out of a lot of people’s financial reach considering the amount we need to drink daily in this heat so I would suggest maybe recycling your own urine.

“The full water ban hasn’t come into effect just yet so I would encourage people to start having a few sips now just to get used to it. As disgusting as it may sound to some people it didn’t do that Bear Grylls fella any harm and there are proven health benefits to drinking your own piss so my advice is to just close your eyes and get it into ya.”

Meanwhile Irish Water – who lose a staggering 50% of our water supply in leaks every year – insist there’s nothing mental about having a water ban in one of the world’s wettest countries that is currently having one of its wettest ever summers.

Michael Duggan from Irish Water told us “It’s important that the government keep introducing these water bans because it saves us the bother of having to do something about all the water we’re pissing away in leaks every day.”