A study carried out by the national agency for scientific research has revealed that all men named Brian are gobshites.
The extensive study was carried out over a 6 month period and more than 2,000 Brians were tested. Professor John McIntyre explained his findings at a gathering of the National Association of Psychologists at Dublin’s Burlington Hotel.
“As a schoolboy I had always noticed that a disproportionate amount of my friends named Brian were gobshites. When I grew up and left my hometown to attend college I met several more Brians and gradually it became clear to me that I had never actually met anyone called Brian who wasn’t some sort of a gobshite.”
The study also involved analysing several famous Brians which, Professor McIntyre explained, revealed some fascinating results.
“What is really interesting is that we discovered there are several different levels of gobshitery. At the lower end you have someone who is a bit of a gobshite and then we move up to a normal gobshite. Next in line are the absolute gobshites. This is the most common type and we discovered lots of these including former Taoiseach Brian Cowen for example.
“Ex-Westlife singer Brian McFadden on the other hand displayed all the symptoms of being a ‘complete and utter gobshite’ and they’re the worst kind. You really don’t want to be left in a room with one of those for too long as it can become quite unbearable and most people will feel an uncontrollable urge to inflict physical harm on them.”
Of the 2,000 plus Brians who were studied, not a single one showed any signs of not being a gobshite.
Also studied as part of the research were several men who spell their name ‘Bryan’ and according to Professor McIntyre these turned out to be quite unique.
“Not only were they all gobshites but also absolute cunts. Every last one of them.”