Royal Family Say Andrew Didn’t Attend Yesterday’s Event Because He’s A Sweaty Nonce

In an official statement from Buckingham Palace today, Britain’s royal family said Prince Andrew was forced to cancel his participation in yesterday’s royal procession because he’s a sweaty nonce.

As the Prince of Wales, Duke of Cambridge and other senior royals processed through the grounds of Windsor Castle for a church service commemorating the Order of the Garter, whatever the hell that is, Andrew was ordered by the Queen to stay in his room and think about what he’s done.

Royal correspondent Henry Winterbottom told us “I have it on good authority that it was the Queen herself who intervened on this occasion and that she actually used the words “you sweaty nonce” when sending Andrew to his room. One doesn’t usually expect to hear the type of language from Her Majesty.”

Prince Andrew has said he wants his royal status “reinstated and respected” even though he remains accused of serious offences and paid a woman he claims to have never met £12m to be quiet. He continues to refuse to speak to the FBI.

It was announced just last week that senior royal officials intend to send Andrew to Scotland to rebuild his life. Within minutes of the announcement, support for Scottish independence went from around 50% to around 100%.