Ronaldo Leaves Manchester United

Cristiano Ronaldo has sensationally quit Manchester United just moments after they lost their Champions League opener 2-1 against Young Boys in Berne tonight.

Ronaldo scored after just 15 minutes and United seemed to be in cruise control until they suddenly found themselves down to 10 men when Aaron Wan-Bissaka was sent off for a rash tackle in the first half. Ronaldo was substituted after 72 minutes and as soon as he walked into the dressing room after the final whistle he called his agent, telling him “Get me out of there. I had no idea they were still shite.”

Ronaldo’s agent is now believed to be trying desperately to contact Pep Guardiola to see if there’s any chance he might bring the Portuguese superstar to Manchester City.

When questioned about the situation tonight, Guardiola told the Manchester Evening News “I respect Ronaldo, he’s a great player but at the end of the day he’s a dirty red cunt so he can fuck off.”