Not All Heroes Wear Capes – Off-licences To Remain Open


In a move that will surely lift the spirits of the nation and prevent widespread panic, off-licences all over Ireland have confirmed they will remain open during the current coronavirus pandemic.

As the usual bustle in our towns and cities is gradually being replaced by empty streets and an eerie silence, it is at least comforting to know that we’re not about to run out of essentials like beer and fags.

Jimmy Heffernan runs the Bargain Booze off-licence in Tullamore and he told us it’s the least he could do.

“Obviously I’d rather be at home watching Netflix and scratching me hole all day but my country needs me and I’ve answered the call like any patriot would. It breaks my heart to think of all the people out there being forced to spend so much time with their families. At least this way they can get hammered now and again. We’re here to make things more bearable during these difficult times.”

We asked Jimmy if he intends to cut prices to help those who are out of work and might be experiencing financial difficulties due to the unprecedented situation we currently find ourselves in. He told us we can fuck right off.