96 Year-old Woman Begins 4 Day Bender

A 96 year-old billionaire has gone on a 4 day bender in London to celebrate 70 years of living on benefits.

Despite recent health issues, Britain’s Queen Elizabeth stood on the Buckingham Palace balcony un-aided earlier today and waved to the huge crowds gathered below as part of the platinum jubilee celebrations.

Her disgraced son Prince Andrew was originally meant to push her wheelchair onto the balcony but a horrified Queen was overheard telling organisers “Absolutely not! Just imagine the shame. We don’t want people thinking I have a disability.”

The Queen was joined on the balcony by family members including the Duke of Nottingham, the Earl of Sandwich, Prince Henry of Norwich and Ipswich, the Duchess of Scotland or something and that auld one Charles was riding behind Diana’s back.

Ginger lover Meghan Markle was also spotted on the balcony but was told by royal officials to stay back and to keep her brown face out of the photographs.

No matter how silly and ridiculous the idea of having a Queen in this day and age seems to the rest of us, people all over Britain will take to the streets over the next four days to celebrate Her Majesty’s platinum jubilee in true British tradition by getting shitfaced and punching the heads off each other. Good luck to them we say and Gawd bless you Ma’am!