Middle-aged man not very good at football anymore

By Paul McRingo Sports Correspondent

A middle-aged man who thinks he’s still great at football is actually not very good anymore.

40-year-old Portugal superstar Christiano Ronaldo was dismissed in a World Cup qualifier against the Republic of Ireland in Dublin last night for elbowing defender Dara O’Shea off the ball with a little more than half-an-hour remaining at the Aviva Stadium, although Heimir Hallgrimsson’s men were well on their way to a win at that stage over the side ranked fifth in the world.

Ronaldo left the pitch and went straight to the dressing room to call his bromance lover Piers Morgan to tell him all about it. Morgan was overheard telling Ronaldo “I love you!” to which Ronaldo replied “I love me too.”

During his time on the pitch Ronaldo was barely involved in the game apart from constantly complaining to the referee about God knows what and checking his hair on the big screen.

Ronaldo joined Saudi Arabian club Al Nassr in January 2023 after walking out on Manchester United. The Saudi Pro League is ranked a dismal 35th in the world yet Al Nassr still haven’t managed to win the league title since Ronaldo’s arrival.

In some breaking news, reports are coming in that London fire service members are currently trying to talk Piers Morgan down off the roof of a city centre building. Witnesses at the scene say Morgan crying uncontrollably and threatening to jump.