Robbing bastards force Tesco in Tullamore to close all self checkouts

By Paul McRingo Shopping Correspondent

Robbing bastards in the Tullamore area have forced the local Tesco to close all self checkouts in the store due to the amount of items being stolen by not scanning them and various other methods of tomfoolery and skulduggery.

Manager Bertie Quinn said they’re sorry for any inconvenience the move will cause to decent, honest shoppers but after some of the things he saw while watching footage back on the security cameras, they had no choice.

“One lad discovered that a bottle of vodka weighs the same as a bottle of water so he scanned a bottle of water 10 times and walked out with 10 bottles of vodka.”

So does this mean more of the regular checkouts with staff on cash registers will be opened due to the increase in people using them?

“Oh God no.” Mr Quinn told us. “We have 20 checkouts but like to keep just 2 opened at all times. The rest are just there for the craic.”

Other supermarkets in Tullamore, including Dunnes Stores, Aldi and Lidl, have said they do not intend to close their self checkouts but have instead issued store detectives with guns and told them to shoot any robbing bastards they see trying to rob stuff.

Gardaí at Tullamore Garda station have said they approve of the new initiative.