BREAKING NEWS: County Offaly phones in sick

Paul McRingo Sports Correspondent

Reports coming out of Offaly this morning seem to show that the entire county has phoned in sick with one giant hangover.

It’s the first time in the history of the state that the entire population of a county has called in sick.

Local hero Shane Lowry is being blamed for the mass absenteeism after sinking the putt that retained the Ryder Cup for Europe last night, sparking wild celebrations throughout Offaly and beyond.

Offaly County Councillor Barney Fitzmaurice told us “Apparently they’re using every excuse in the book from feeling ‘under the weather’ to ‘my car won’t start’. Me hole! They’re all hungover and who cares? I’m actually speaking to you from home right now. Couldn’t get out of the bed this morning coz me head’s in bits.”

There haven’t been many major sporting achievements to celebrate in Offaly in recent years with both the senior football and hurling teams falling out of favour since the glory days of the 80s and 90s.

With that in mind it’s probably not surprising that when something like this happens they’re going to go a bit mental in the Faithful County.

Councillor Fitzmaurice told us “We work hard in Offaly and we don’t do this often so who cares if we all got buckled last night? That’s how we roll. Nothing wrong with having a hape of pints once in a while. Shane Lowry gave us our best night out in years. Uibh Fhaili Abú!”