A team of scientists from Cambridge University in England have confirmed after two years of extensive research that all teenagers are dickheads. Professor John McIntyre who was in charge of the study said it’s the first research of its kind ever carried out and the results are both compelling and indisputable.
“Our team included some of the finest minds in science and we’ve been studying the behaviour of literally millions of teenagers from all over the world. What we found is that while teenagers from different cultures and backgrounds have their own unique qualities, there is one particular personality trait they all share. Absolute dickheads every one of them.”
So what is it exactly that makes all teenagers dickheads?
“Frankly it’s hard to know where to begin. There’s the complete lack of understanding or appreciation for what their parents have gone through to raise them. When cute kids turn into teenagers they tend to start thinking they’re now adults and don’t need their parents for anything anymore. All this while still living at home and depending on the parents to feed them, clothe them, clean up after them, buy them everything from €80 football shirts to iphones and computers, drive them everywhere and provide them with a non-stop supply of free money.
“This is also the time when kids start slagging off their parents and trying to make fun of them at parties and family gatherings by throwing their eyes up to heaven or shaking their heads whenever the parents say something. If that’s not the behaviour of a dickhead then I don’t know what is.”
What would you say to parents reading this who might say my little Johnny is nothing like that?
“I’m afraid if your little Johnny isn’t slagging you off to your face then he’s one of those sneaky little shits who does it behind your back. They’re the worst kind. The fact is that our research proves beyond any shadow of a doubt – in fact it’s a biological certainty – if you have a teenager you currently share your house with a dickhead.”