A team of scientists from Cambridge University in England have confirmed – after two years of extensively researching the subject – that all teenagers are dickheads. Professor John McIntyre who was in charge of the study said it’s the first research of its kind and the results are compelling and indisputable.
“Our team included some of the finest minds in science and we’ve been studying the behaviour of literally millions of teenagers from all over the world. What we found is that while teenagers from different cultures and backgrounds have their own unique qualities, there is one particular personality trait they all share. Absolute dickheads every one of them. Black, White, Brown, Christian, Muslim, Jew, it doesn’t matter. The undeniable truth is that cute, cuddly kids turn into dickheads around the age of 13 and don’t snap out of it until they turn 20.”
So what is it exactly that makes all teenagers dickheads?
“Well firstly there’s the complete lack of understanding or appreciation for what their parents have gone through to raise them. When dickheaditis begins to take hold, teenagers start thinking they’ve suddenly become adults and don’t need their parents for anything anymore. All this while still living at home of course and depending on the parents to feed them, clothe them, clean up after them, buy them everything from €80 football shirts to iphones and computers, drive them everywhere and provide them with a non-stop supply of free money.
“This is also the time when kids start slagging off their parents and trying to make fun of them at parties and family gatherings by throwing their eyes up to heaven or shaking their heads whenever the parents say something. If that’s not the behaviour of a dickhead then I don’t know what is.”
Is there any way to prevent a child from becoming a teenage dickhead or to cure them after they’ve developed into one?
“No. A teenager’s brain is wired in such a way that it’s simply not possible for them to behave like anything other than a dickhead. Most can go for several minutes at a time without showing any signs of dickheaditis but that’s only because they’ve stopped talking or they’re eating. Eventually they all turn back into the inconsiderate little shits they’ve become.”
What would you say to parents reading this who might say my little Johnny is nothing like that?
“If your little Johnny isn’t slagging you off to your face you can be damn sure he’s doing it behind your back. They’re actually the worst kind. Sneaky little fuckers. The fact is that our research proves beyond any shadow of a doubt – in fact it’s a biological certainty – that if you have a teenager, you are currently sharing your house with a dickhead.”