People With Fresh Looking Haircuts Can Now Be Detained And Questioned For 24 Hours

From today Gardaí will have the power to detain and question anyone they suspect of having recently had a hair cut. Under the current lockdown regulations, hairdressers are not permitted to operate and anyone walking around with a tidy looking trim or a new hairdo may raise the suspicions of Gardaí.

Chief Medical Officer Dr. Tony Holohan told reporters “There are too many people with fresh looking haircuts out there. They can’t all have a hairdresser within their family bubble. Be warned, if you illegally obtain a haircut, the Gardaí will want to know where you got it from. You will be detained and questioned and maybe slapped around a bit.”

Minister for Haircuts Roisín Loonam said she understands many people are becoming desperate for a haircut but added that hairdressers have a responsibility to follow the rules like everyone else no matter how bad things get.

“Things are not easy for hairdressers. You see one of your regular customers in Aldi looking like shit and you just want to whip out the scissors there and then and go to town on them. You must resist the urge guys. Just another few weeks and you’ll be back in your salons doing your thing. Asking men for their entire life stories while giving them a trim. Spraying tons of crap into women’s hair that they didn’t ask for. Everything will be back to normal soon.”

Tony Holohan meanwhile said he has no sympathy for anyone desperate for a haircut as they clearly didn’t plan ahead.

“If you didn’t get your hair cut before this lockdown and you now look like one of the lads from Kajagoogoo you’ve only got yourself to blame. Younger folk, ask your parents who Kajagoogoo were. God I loved Kajagoogoo.”