Irish boyband Westlife have done their bit to lift the nation’s spirits during these troubled times by announcing that they’re breaking up for good. The purveyors of puke-music for 12 year-olds said they will play one last show which is scheduled for Cork in August, although many people are hoping that won’t go ahead and they’ll just fuck off now.
Westlife were put together in 1998 by Louis Walsh, the man who single-handedly destroyed the reputation of Irish music around the world with ‘bands’ such as Jedward and Boyzone. In 2004 the weird looking one left Westlife, sparking hopes they were about to disappear off the airwaves and the face of the earth for good. Seventeen cringe-infested years later, Irish music lovers can at long last breathe a sigh of relief as the day they had longed for has finally arrived.
The little jackeen one broke the news yesterday on Instagram when he told fans “Yes, unfortunately the rumours are true. Westlife will still play Cork in August. But I promise that’s it. We’re getting too old to carry on pretending we don’t hate all those terrible songs. Speaking for myself I’m a big rock music fan and I swear if I have to keep miming to ‘You Raise Me Up’ much longer I’m going to stab myself in the head.”
Jedward meanwhile have told their fans they have nothing to worry about as the lads have no plans to break up and are available if anyone wants to book them for anything. Anything at all. Birthday parties. Dinner parties. The opening of a new off-licence. Absolutely anything. No job too small. Just give them a call.