All Outdoor Diners In Ireland To Be Given Complimentary Towel & Snorkel

People dining outdoors in Ireland will be given a complimentary towel and snorkel from today provided by the government after a weekend of torrential downpours saw customers getting a severe drenching all over the country.

Ireland remains the only nation in Europe where indoor dining is still not allowed as the government’s indecision on the issue continues. Spokesman for the Irish Restaurants Association Mark Duggan told us he stopped off for lunch at The Bridge House in Tullamore on Saturday but eventually had to give up and make a run for it.

“Many premises have big parasols covering the tables but with the wind we get in Ireland it mostly rains sideways. I only got two mouthfuls into my mouth before the rest of my dinner was swimming in rainwater. Towels and snorkels me bollix. Let us inside you incompetent muppets.”

EU leaders have asked Taoiseach Miche├íl Martin to stop acting the shite and re-open indoor dining like the rest of Europe but the Taoiseach said he can’t because Tony Holohan won’t let him.

NPHET meanwhile released new figures this morning claiming their latest modelling shows that if indoor dining were to re-open any time soon there would be over 50,000 deaths within the first hour.