Scientists Still Unsure Why Millions Of Morons Thought We’d Run Out Of Toilet Paper

Scientists working on a cure for stupidity have admitted they are no closer to knowing why millions of morons all over the world thought the coronavirus signalled the end of toilet paper. Dr. Adam Molloy from the Institute of Consumer Research told us about the science behind stockpiling and why people decided the one thing they needed to buy as much of as they could fit in their shopping trolley was bog roll.

“When faced with a situation that’s completely out of our control, like the Covid-19 pandemic, it’s human nature to look for ways of taking back some of that control. We like to feel that we’re in charge most of the time and don’t enjoy being told what to do. So it’s like saying to the government okay, you can tell me what to do on certain matters like social distancing and staying at home but I’ll wipe my arse as often as I want.”

But why did people think we were going to run out of toilet paper? Dr. Molloy admits they have no definitive answer to that one.

“We’re not sure. Our brains are wired to watch out for threat and seek safety. However, there was never a threat to toilet paper. Therefore the only conclusion we can come up with at this stage is the people who were panic buying it and punching the heads off each other in supermarkets have smaller than average brains. In other words, they’re all morons.”