“It Wasn’t Worth It” Says 100 Year-Old Teetotaller

Old Man

A local man who celebrated his 100th birthday on Saturday says his biggest regret in life is having never had a drink. Johnny Larkin took the pledge on the day of his Confirmation way back in 1930 and never touched a drop since. During his birthday celebrations in Mucklagh retirement home this week he was asked by a local reporter how he would describe his life looking back on it now.

“Boring as fuck!” said the foul-mouthed centenarian. “I have no mad stories to tell. I never got shitfaced, not even once. I never stole a pint glass from a pub or had a fight outside a chippers on a Saturday night. I never got to blame the beer goggles for all the ugly women I shifted. I’ve never even pissed into a wardrobe thinking it was a toilet. I’ve wasted my whole life.”

If he really feels that way why doesn’t he try a drop of the hard stuff now?

“There’s no point in me having a drink now. Any liquid I swallow just goes straight through me and comes out the other end through this tube and goes into that bag. That’s my piss bag. I wouldn’t feel a thing. You might as well just pour it straight into the bag.

“I lived a quiet life just so I could be sitting here today being spoon fed gooey mush while wearing a bib. I dribble more now than I did when I was a baby, I never go outside and believe me, you don’t want to be around for my nappy changes. Being old is one massive pain in the hole.”

Speaking as a man with 100 years experience of life, if Johnny had one piece of advice for the youth of today what would it be?

“Drink and smoke like hoors. All my old friends did and they’re all dead now. Lucky bastards!”