Tissue Containing Messi’s Tears And Snots Sells For €18 Million

The tissue that Lionel Messi cried and snotted into during his emotional press conference when he announced he was leaving Barcelona has sold for €18 million at an online auction.

An unknown individual obtained the used tissue following the conclusion of the press conference and placed an advertisement online, announcing the item would be going up for auction. A frantic bidding war ensued and ended with a buyer in London paying just over €18 million for the tissue.

This afternoon, Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta confimed the club had bought the tissue and explained why at a press conference at the Arsenal training ground.

“The tissue will start up front against Chelsea on Sunday. Even if it just blows away it will be an improvement on the recent performances of the players we have right now. If it’s a choice between selecting Lacazette or Lionel Messi’s used tissue then I’m going with the tissue every time.”

Premier League boss Richard Masters said this is the first time a club has ever signed a tissue and although it’s a highly unusual move they have decided to allow it on sympathy grounds as Arsenal are such a massive pile of shite at the moment.

“To my knowledge no club has ever signed a non-human player before this. Lots of fans will of course respond to that comment by claiming their rivals have signed several donkeys in the past but as hilarious and original as that joke is, it’s not actually true.”

Meanwhile former model and wannabe WAG Katie Price has been seen hanging around outside Arsenal’s training ground asking officials if Messi’s used tissue would like a welcome shag.