Heaven has banned all arrivals from the UK due to concerns over the rapid spread of the delta variant in Britain. Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ said he had no choice but to implement the ban which comes into effect from midnight tonight.
“Sorry but there are a lot of souls up here I need to protect and if that means banning the Brits then so be it. They’ve only got themselves to blame. Anyone living in Britain with relatives on their last legs might want to consider giving them a little shove in my direction if you know what I’m saying coz if they hold on until after midnight tonight they’re not coming up here and that’s a promise.”
Jesus went on to say that the ban on British arrivals may well last a lot longer than a couple of weeks or even months.
“Well, if I’m perfectly honest I’ve been looking for an excuse for a while and this is probably it. I mean that whole British Empire thing. That was messed up. Those people are proper nasty.”
Jesus said the Brits have a lot of apologising and grovelling to do for past atrocities before he will consider lifting the ban and told us that a good start would be giving the six counties back to Ireland.
“Yeah I bet people often wonder what side I’m on in that whole situation. Well I’m on the Irish Republican side. So now you know. I’ve actually got family in Derry and I love a good rebel song. ‘The Men Behind The Wire’ is probably my favourite. Absolute banger of a tune. Anyway, tell the Brits I said if they don’t get out of Ireland they don’t get into heaven. I have spoken. Peace out.”