Staff Canteen Enters Fifth Straight Year Of Total Silence


The staff canteen at a local pharmaceutical packaging company has just entered its fifth straight year of complete and total silence. Nobody who works at Abstral Ireland in Tullamore has said a word in the canteen since Joe Delaney finally became the last member of staff to buy a smartphone in 2014.

“I held out as long as I could but by then I was talking to myself every day.” said Joe. “I’d ask people questions and they wouldn’t even look up from their phones. Nobody was listening to a word I said. It got to a stage where I could say anything I wanted. I even told big Dave I was riding his auld one and he didn’t even flinch. That’s when I knew there was no point in trying to talk to these people anymore.”

It’s the same story everywhere of course as people up and down the country seem to spend every free minute they have staring into their phones. But it’s not only at the expense of conversation. Recent research has found that there are also serious health consequences such as short attention spans and memory loss. Smartphones however are clearly here to stay.

“The Buggles should re-release their 1980 classic Video Killed The Radio Star and rename it Smartphones Killed The Conversation Star.” Joe continued. “It would be the worst song title ever of course and it would probably be a terrible song and The Buggles could all be dead for all I know. Wait, what was I talking about again?”

Meanwhile consumer watchdogs have told manufacturers of smartphones to stop making ridiculous, over the top claims about changing the world as we know it every time they release a new model.

Head of Regcom Dr. John Bellamy said “You don’t revolutionize Planet Earth and the lives of everyone on it by adding a curvy bit to a phone so cut the bullshit lads. Until one of you creates a smartphone that can wake me up in the morning and then scratch my balls and pour coffee down my neck just admit they’re all the fucking same.”