Britain Celebrates As Some Baldy Fella’s Missus Has Baby

There were scenes of celebration across Britain today after a woman went to a hospital to have a baby and then had the baby. Kate Middleton is married to one of Charles and Diana’s sons (the baldy lad, not the ginger obviously) and gave birth to a baby boy just before lunchtime today. The name of the new royal baby is not yet known but the strong favourite with the bookies at the moment is PJ.

Within minutes of the news breaking Britain went mental. Sky News has been reporting on the story non-stop ever since and has said that all other news including Brexit and Syria can fuck off. BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell was so overcome with joy that he couldn’t handle it and jumped off a bridge to his death.

Thousands of people began to gather outside Buckingham Palace waving union jacks hoping to get a glimpse of the happy couple and the new baby even though they’re not there.

Doris Winterbottom made the long trek from her home in Yorkshire and told reporters she intends to stand there for a few months. “I love the royal family.” she said. “I really love them. I have kids of my own but I honestly couldn’t give a shit about them. Scumbag commoners. As long as the royal children are happy that’s all that matters.”

Meanwhile the Queen is said to be delighted with the news but she told reporters there’s no point in telling her husband Prince Philip who has apparently completely lost his marbles at this stage and currently thinks he’s a pigeon.