Government Told ‘Re-open Hairdressers Now And Stop Acting The Bollocks’

The government has been told by one of its own Ministers to re-open hairdressers as a matter of urgency and to stop acting the bollocks. Minister for Haircuts Roisín Loonam told Taoiseach Micheál Martin during today’s Dáil session that decisive action must be taken immediately and accused him of not taking the matter seriously because he has no hair of his own to worry about anymore. She also called him a prick.

“I warned you Taoiseach that if we weren’t careful we’d have a mullet pandemic on our hands but you just laughed. Well now look at the state of us. Have you seen some of the specimens walking around out there? We’re beginning to look like a nation of hillbillies. All they’re missing is the denim dungarees and the banjos. Ya prick!”

The Taoiseach responded to the Minister by telling her he takes the state of the nation’s hair very seriously but said the re-opening of hairdressers is not going to happen any time soon. He also said he’s not a prick.

“There’s no need for that Minister. Yes I have seen some of the specimens out there as you put it and frankly I find them hilarious to look at. I like to point and laugh at them. We all need a good laugh during these troubled times so as far as I’m concerned, the longer hairdressers stay closed the better.”

It is not yet known how long hairdressers will remain closed but the Taoiseach said hopefully for at least another couple of years.