NPHET is urging everyone in the country to stop looking for positives in the current Covid situation and to remain miserable and depressed at all times. Spokesman Dr. Ronan Glynn said that since he began appearing on our TV screens over a year ago, he has never once given people anything to feel positive about and anyone thinking along those lines needs to cop themselves on.
“There are worrying signs that we have some optimistic types out there trying to focus on the positives and looking ahead to a life without Covid. Stop that now! Concentrate on the present. You’re all on lockdown, you can’t go anywhere and everything is closed. That’s your life now. Remember, things are terrible and will continue to be terrible for a very long time.”
We asked Dr. Glynn why he’s such a miserable bastard and exactly who it was that told him he has the right to lecture the people of Ireland like we’re naughty school children.
“I’m a big TV star now and if this thing ends I’ll have to go back to being a nobody again. That is why I’ll be recommending on Monday that the government has everyone in the country sealed into their homes until at least this time next year. This is an apocalypse people. It’s armageddon. The only way out of it is to keep everyone locked up and to keep me on the telly. God I love being on the telly.”