Ikea To Stop Supplying Vladimir Putin With Really Long Tables

Swedish furniture giant Ikea said today it would suspend all its activities in Russia, including supplying Vladimir Putin with really long tables.

The company said in a statement “The war is resulting in serious disruptions to our supply chain and trading conditions so we have no choice but to cease all business in the Russian federation.”

Hopefully Russia indiscriminately bombing the shit out of civilians in Ukraine also had something to do with their decision.

Vladimir Putin is said to be devastated at the news and even confided in a close friend that he’s considering ending it all.

“I can handle the world’s sanctions turning Russia into the next North Korea but when you lose your range of flexible storage options and cost effective kitchens, what’s the point in living? Just shoot me now!”

The entire world including most of Russia is praying Mr Putin’s friend carried out his wishes. Stay tuned for further updates.