President Higgins Shrinking

The President of Ireland, Michael D. Higgins, is shrinking rapidly and it seems nothing can be done to stop it. The rate of his decline has shocked and baffled experts and nobody seems quite sure what’s going on. Mister Higgins’ official state visit to Australia had to be cut short and he flew home this week after doctors realised he’s now a foot smaller than when he got there last Wednesday.

Doctor Pascal Duffy is the President’s personal physician and he broke the news during a press conference outside Áras an Uachtaráin this morning. “Many of us lose some height with age but not like this.” he told reporters. “At his current rate of shrinkage I’m afraid President Higgins will disappear altogether before Christmas.”

Alarm bells started ringing when a photo of the President and Taoiseach Leo Varadker began circulating on social media last month. The pair were attending the All-Ireland hurling final in Croke Park together but in the picture it looked more like the Taoiseach had brought along an Oompa Loopma.

Mister Higgins is now the same height as an average 3-year-old boy. At a dinner in Buckingham Palace recently during his official visit to London, a waiter mistakenly sat the President of Ireland at the kid’s table with the royal grandchildren and served him nuggets and chips with a plastic cup of Ribena. When the mistake was noticed the Queen had the waiter taken outside and shot but by then the damage had been done.

“This is a serious situation.” said Doctor Duffy. “Well, the health situation is serious. Obviously what’s happening to him physically is hilarious. When he sneezed earlier he banged his head off the floor and I was pissing meself. He tried to go for a walk in the Phoenix Park this morning and a group of children began chasing him around some bushes and demanding that he grant them three wishes.”

Eventually the President himself came outside and spoke to the media for a brief moment.  As always he seemed upbeat and in good spirits. “This may be a difficult time for me but with the help of friends and family I intend to beat this thing.” he told reporters. “And at least I’m still taller than Bono.”