The President of Ireland Michael D. Higgins is shrinking and it seems nothing can be done to stop it. The rate of his decline has shocked and baffled experts and nobody seems quite sure what’s going on. Doctor Susie Sherlock is the President’s personal physician and she broke the news during a press conference outside Áras an Uachtaráin this morning.
“Many of us lose some height with age but not like this.” she told reporters. “I’ve never seen anything like it. At his current rate of shrinkage I’m afraid we can expect President Higgins to disappear altogether this side of Christmas.”
Mister Higgins is now the same height as an average 3-year-old boy. At a dinner in Buckingham Palace last week a waiter mistakenly sat the President of Ireland at the kid’s table with the royal grandchildren and served him nuggets and chips with a plastic cup of Ribena. When the mistake was noticed the Queen had the waiter taken outside and shot but by then the damage had been done.
“This is a serious situation.” said Dr. Sherlock. “Well, the health situation is serious. Obviously what’s happening to him physically is hilarious. When he sneezed earlier he banged his head off the floor and I swear I nearly pissed myself. He tried to go for a walk in the Phoenix Park this morning and a group of children began chasing him around some bushes and demanding that he grant them three wishes.”
Eventually the President himself came outside and spoke to the media for a brief moment. As always he seemed upbeat and in good spirits.
“This may be a difficult time for me but with the help of friends and family I intend to beat this thing.” he told reporters. “And at least I’m still taller than Bono.”