Portlaoise Officially Ireland’s Tidiest Town But Still An Awful Kip

Portlaoise is the tidiest town in the country and that’s official. The results of the first post-lockdown survey by ‘Irish Businesses Against Litter’ have been revealed and the Laois town came out on top for tidiness, although IBAL spokesman Conor Delaney added that “you still wouldn’t want to live anywhere near the place.”

Laois County Councillor Barney Fitzmaurice said he’s not surprised Portlaoise has been named Ireland’s tidiest town.

“I got a tip-off when the judging panel were coming to town so we had a quick clean up that morning and just brought them to the nice parts with flowers and stuff. The place is full of rubbish, beer cans and dog shite again but they’ll never see it. Lol.”

Portlaoise has often been described as the most boring town in Ireland. Just last year guards at Portlaoise Prison had to fire warning shots into the air as hundreds of locals tried to break into the prison.

The Irish Tourist Board recently removed Portlaoise from their offical map of Ireland in the hope that people won’t realise it’s there and just keep driving after the town was twinned with Kabul in Afghanistan.

Councillor Fitzmaurice said the comparison with Kabul is a bit over the top.

“It’s ridiculous. How can you twin Portlaoise with Kabul? I mean come on. The Taliban deserve an apology.”