Man Actually Lives In Portarlington Of His Own Free Will

A 36 year-old man who doesn’t seem mental or anything has said that he actually lives in the town of Portarlington of his own free will. Brian Delaney swears he has not been relocated there as part of a witness protection programme or anything like that and claims that he actually likes the place.

“I know everybody else lives here because they grew up here and don’t have the money to leave but I think the place has a certain charm to it. It’s like being able to step into the pages of a history book and see what Ireland was like 50 years ago. I particularly love how all the buildings look like they’re about to collapse.”

Portarlington is a town on the Laois-Offaly border consisting of a couple of really long streets with lifeless grey buildings. Most things in the town closed down years ago and it is possible to drive through Portarlington from one end to the other without seeing another human being.

Records show that in the last year alone 27 people died of boredom in Portarlington and those numbers continue to rise. Local councillor Barney Fitzmaurice told us the deaths have nothing to do with the current pandemic.

“If anything this lockdown is a godsend. Being told to stay in your home in Portarlington means you don’t have to look at the town every day and that can only be good for your mental health. God Almighty it’s an awful kip.”

Mr. Fitzmaurice said the local council are currently waiting on a decision from An Bord Pleanála to approve plans to have Portarlington knocked down and rebuilt.