Pope Francis: “I Want To Visit Craggy Island”


Pope Francis has confused Irish government officials and Catholic Church leaders by insisting that he gets to visit Craggy Island during his visit to Ireland this weekend. It appears the 80 year-old Pontiff is a huge fan of iconic TV show Father Ted but is completely unaware that it’s fiction.

During a press conference in the Vatican yesterday to reveal details of the trip, the Pope was asked if there’s anywhere in particular he’s looking forward to seeing during his visit to Ireland.

“It’s always been a dream of mine to visit Craggy Island and I can’t believe it’s finally happening.” said a visibly excited Pope. “So many characters on such a small island. I want to meet them all. I’ll have to visit the parochial house of course and meet the three lads and Mrs. Doyle and I’d really love to meet John and Mary, that couple who are always fighting. Those two crack me up. That time when she told him ‘You’ve a face like a pair of tits’ and he replied ‘Well at least that’s one pair between us’ I swear I thought I was going to get sick laughing.”

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin said nobody in the Pope’s entourage has had the nerve yet to tell him that Craggy Island isn’t a real place.

“It’s an awkward one. He won’t stop going on about Father Ted. I tried to change the subject and asked him if he was looking forward to seeing the place where Pope John Paul ll said mass in 1979 but he said he’d rather see the place where Ted kicked Bishop Brennan up the arse in episode 6.

“None of us want to tell him there’s no Craggy Island because we’ve no idea how he’ll react. He could well cancel the trip to Ireland altogether. At this stage we’re seriously considering asking Ardal O’Hanlon if he’ll dress up as Father Dougal again and meet his Holiness at the house where they filmed the show and just pretend. Apparently there’s no point in asking Pauline McLynn because she refuses to be typecast as Mrs. Doyle and wants to be known for her other acting roles too, as if anyone knows what the hell they were. Cop yourself on Mrs. Doyle. And sadly of course Ted and Jack are both no longer with us so we’ll just tell him they’re off judging this year’s Lovely Girls contest or something.”

Pope Francis has already given his personal security a huge problem for the Irish trip by insisting that his bullet-proof Popemobile be left at home and telling them he wants to be driven around Ireland in Pat Mustard’s milk float instead.