A study carried out by the Aviation Authority of Europe has confirmed that all people who clap when a plane lands are idiots. Each and every one of them. Of the hundreds of people examined not one showed any signs of not being an idiot. One man was nearly declared a non-idiot but that turned out to be a false alarm and he was actually both an idiot and a dickhead.
Professor John McIntyre who carried out the study explained his findings during the annual gathering of the Aviation Authority of Europe at London’s Burlington Hotel.
“I have wanted to research this subject for years because I always wondered what could make a seemingly intelligent adult suddenly start acting like a backwards 4 year-old as soon as the wheels of a plane touch the tarmac. So we asked cabin crew to point out passengers who had clapped when their planes landed and we grabbed them as they disembarked and studied them in our labs. As I had always suspected, there was one common denominator that linked them all. Absolute fucking idiots every one of them.”
Professor McIntyre went on to explain why people who clap when a plane lands are idiots.
“The pilots are enclosed in the cockpit and can’t hear the passengers and applauding someone who can’t hear you is classic idiot behaviour. It’s also incredibly annoying for all those passengers who aren’t idiots. Do people start clapping when a taxi driver gets them home? Of course not. He might think you’re taking the piss and punch you in the face. That’s why we are recommending here today that cabin crew on all airlines be given permission to start punching passengers in the face when they clap. It’s the only way to stop the spread of the idiot virus on our planes and we hope to see this becoming law very soon. We are also recommending that the non-idiot passengers be allowed to join in with the punching.”
What about those people who stand up the second a plane comes to a stop and always end up standing there for ages? Do they fall into the idiot category too?
“No.” Professor McIntyre explained. “They’re just fucking morons.”