County Offaly Phones In Sick With Hangover


The entire County of Offaly has phoned in sick this morning with a massive hangover. It’s the first time in the history of the state that the entire population of a County has called in sick. Local hero Shane Lowry is being blamed for the mass absenteeism after winning his first major title in the 148th Open at Royal Portrush yesterday sparking wild celebrations throughout Offaly and beyond.

Offaly County Councillor Barney Fitzmaurice told us “Apparently they’re using every excuse in the book from feeling ‘under the weather’ to ‘my car won’t start’. Me hole! They’re all dying and fair play to them. I’m actually speaking to you from home right now. Couldn’t get out of the bed this morning coz me head’s in feckin’ bits.”

There haven’t been many sporting achievements to celebrate in Offaly in recent years with both the football and hurling teams falling out of favour since the glory days of the 80s and 90s. With that in mind it’s probably not surprising that when something like this happens they’re going to go a bit mental.

Councillor Fitzmaurice told us “We work hard in Offaly and we don’t do this often so who cares if we all got locked last night? That’s how we roll in the Faithful County. Nothing wrong with having a hape of pints and a big dirty shnack box on the way home now and again. Shane Lowry gave us our best night out in years. Uibh Fhaili AbĂș!”