NPHET Recommends Demolishing All Pubs

The National Public Health Emergency Team, better known as NPHET, has recommended demolishing every pub in Ireland to help stop the spread of Covid-19. The group is currently providing expert advice to the government on how to respond to the coronavirus pandemic and made the announcement at a press conference this morning, adding that if that doesn’t work their next move will be to recommend killing all barstaff.

Chief Medical Officer Dr. Tony Holohan said “Records show that pubs were compliant and very successful in implementing social distance guidelines when they were opened recently. Now that we’ve closed them again numbers are spiralling out of control so we know the problem isn’t pubs but we need a scapegoat, a villian if you like and I don’t like pubs so it’s pubs.”

Dr. Holohan was asked if he’s sure they know what they’re doing as there seems to be a lot of contradictions and confusing advice coming from the government.

“What’s so confusing? It all makes perfect sense. You can attend a wedding with 25 strangers but you can’t have 7 friends in your garden. You can send your child to school on a bus but you shouldn’t get on a bus. You can let a painter in to paint your house but you can’t let anyone from your family into your house. How can anyone say we don’t know what we’re doing?”

The government has been meeting all morning to discuss NPHET’s latest recommendations and the Taoiseach is due to announce some time later today that they have decided to ignore them again.