NPHET Admit They Just Don’t Like Pubs

Members of the group set up to advise the government on how to handle the coronavirus pandemic have admitted they just don’t like pubs. Since the virus first surfaced earlier this year, the number one target of the various lockdowns has always been pubs, even though there has been no evidence of a single transmission of Covid-19 happening in a pub.

NPHET spokesman Dr. Ronan Glynn told a press conference “I can’t believe nobody has pulled us up on it yet to be honest. I mean seriously, meat factory outbreak? Close the pubs. Nursing home outbreak? Close the pubs. Bad day at work? Close the pubs. We just don’t like pubs.”

So called ‘wet pubs’ were allowed to re-open for a few weeks earlier this year with strict rules regarding social distancing and table service. Again there were no recorded cases of anyone catching Covid in a pub but as the numbers continued to rise in Ireland, NPHET advised the government to shut them all down anyway.

While shops of all shapes and sizes are packed every day with hundreds of people squeezing past each other along tiny narrow aisles, many have remained open by making a mockery of the rules. Dr. Glynn however is not backing down.

“A Shoe Shop selling biscuits is an essential service. People need biscuits. A couple sitting at a table having a drink however is outrageous behaviour and if I have my way that sort of thing will be banned forever. Whenever I walk past a pub all I hear is people laughing and enjoying themselves. As someone who is permanently miserable I hate hearing that. Frankly it sickens my arse.”

NPHET are due to meet the government this week and will advise them that instead of opening pubs for Christmas they should consider having them all demolished.