Worried Church Officials Tell A Delighted Pope That Ireland Voted 98% No

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Church officials here have told Pope Francis that the people of Ireland voted 98% No – 2% Yes in Friday’s referendum. It was decided at an emergency meeting of the Irish Catholic Bishops in Dublin yesterday that there was nothing to gain from telling the Pope the real result. Archbishop Dermot Meehan said it’s important that his Holiness thinks Ireland is still under the control of the Catholic Church.

“Since the last Papal visit in 1979 Ireland has legalised divorce, contraception, same-sex marriage and now abortion. We called for a No vote on all of them. I think it’s fair to say that the only conclusion to draw from all this is that nobody in Ireland gives a shite what we say anymore. However, there’s no need for the Pope to know that. If he does he might cancel his visit to Ireland later this year.”



Pope Francis is due in Dublin on August 25th and 26th for the World Meeting of Families. Held every three years, this major international event brings together Catholics from across the world to hear the Pope give a talk on marriage and the family even though he’s never been married or had a family.

There has been much made of the Pope’s forward thinking and liberal views on certain issues in the press recently. He even called for transsexuals and homosexuals to be accepted and embraced by the Catholic Church, even though the Vatican’s official stance is that homosexuality is a sin. How do these views sit with Irish Bishops?

“Ah he just says that stuff in public.” said Bishop Meehan. “He’s the Pope for feck’s sake. You don’t get to be top dog in the Catholic Church by supporting gay rights. He’s just a good PR man. Our churches are getting emptier and emptier every week and we’ll take anyone at this stage – even quare fellas. All we ask is that they don’t start doing quare stuff to each other during mass.”

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