Indoor Dining: Customers Must Leave After Starter – No Main Courses Until September

The government have said that they hope indoor dining can resume again some time in July, initially with several new rules in place. Here’s what we know so far.

Customers will have to leave the premises as soon as they finish their starter with main courses being phased in gradually from September, beginning with just potatoes and vegetables and eventually with meat and gravy added. Tables will have to be at least two metres apart both outdoors and indoors, although for indoor dining the two metre distance will only be allowed if the table is pre-booked and all members of your group are called Jim.

Customers will have to wear face coverings when moving around and employees will have to wear them at all times, even when at home and in the shower.

There are also measures to control noise levels, with no loud laughing, sneezing, coughing or farting permitted.

Wet pubs, which are also expected to open sometime in July, will initially be subjected to a 105 minute time limit for customers. This is to encourage pub crawls so people will spend their money in several different premises while getting absolutely shitfaced. For rural villages with just one pub, customers can stay longer as long as they step outside every 105 minutes and then go back in so their time can start again.

All the above rules are subject to change and in fact have just been changed in the last few minutes so forget everything you just read and go get yourself a load of cheap beer from Aldi and a takeaway from your local chippers. It’s just easier.