Government Set To Reveal Christmas Covid Rules That Will Be Ignored By Everyone

Taoiseach

The government is set to announce a new set of Covid rules later today that will be ignored by pretty much everybody in the country. As Ireland prepares to come out of level 5 lockdown status, more relaxed guidelines for the Christmas holidays will be revealed some time this evening, although most of the new restrictions have already been leaked to the media.

People will be allowed to travel anywhere within their own county from next week, even though nobody ever stopped doing that. Family gatherings however will not be permitted, lol, until after December 18th, as if they weren’t happening right now up and down the country.

Shops that never closed will be allowed to re-open from next Tuesday as well as barbers who spent the last six weeks cutting people’s hair from home. It is believed however that this time round, authorities will clamp down on pubs passing themselves off as restaurants by serving bags of chips from the takeaway next door.

Predictably NPHET are said to be furious that anything is opening and they told the government that if they had their way there would be a Level 6 lockdown where everybody gets locked into their houses for ten months and every front door in Ireland is welded shut. They have asked for the amount of time diners can stay in a restaurant to be reduced from one hour and 45 minutes to just half a minute.