Fears Growing Of Mullet Pandemic If Barbers Don’t Soon Re-open
Fears are growing that we have a mullet pandemic on our hands which is only going to get worse as long as barbers remain closed. Minister for Haircuts RoisÃn Loonam told reporters during her daily briefing that the number of confirmed new mullet cases for yesterday was 522, that’s up 108 on the previous day’s count.
“What we have here is a growing number of men who are cutting their own hair. They’re looking into the mirror and cutting the sides and front but ignoring the back. This is how mullets begin and as the weeks go by they will become more and more hilarious looking and before you know it we’ll have a pandemic on our hands.”
Taoiseach Leo Varadkar is facing calls to allow barbers to re-open before things go too far but the Fine Gael leader said that’s not an option.
“Social distancing guidelines are still in place and it’s just too soon and too dangerous to re-open barbers and hairdressers. If I thought it was safe I would. Believe me, I don’t want to see Irish men walking around looking like Billy Ray Cyrus during his Achy Breaky Heart period but for now we must all play our part in keeping the mullet numbers down.”
The Taoiseach had the following advice for anyone who may be concerned about mullets affecting their loved ones.
“There are many things people can do to stop the spread of mullets. The advice is if someone in your house is showing symptoms, wait ’til they’re asleep, or better still, passed out drunk, and simply cut it off. Get your scissors out and cut that back bit off, right up to the neck. Just get rid of it. You will forever be regarded as heroes of our nation and I’ll organise a national round of applause for all of you some evening.”