Boris Johnson Attempts To Flee Britain

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been spotted trying to flee Britain in a tiny wooden boat after the damning Sue Grey report was published and made public earlier today.

After months of denials and forced apologies, the report clearly points the finger at Johnson and several colleagues who partied frequently in 10 Downing Street while telling the people of the UK to stay at home and not to mix with others.

The final straw for Mr Johnson seems to have been this morning’s Prime Minister’s Questions session in the House of Commons when he was berated by not only opposition politicians but also by members of his own party. A humiliated Boris was clearly overheard mumbling to himself “Fuck this for a game of soldiers” before storming out of the chamber.

As the Prime Minister was seen jumping into the boat this afternoon, he asked several shocked onlookers “Will this thing get me to America? Which way is America? Mr Trump said I could stay with him.” When told he’d have to go around Ireland first, Mr. Johnson reportedly replied “Bloody Paddy’s, getting in the way again.”

Johnson’s escape to sea leaves the Tories without a leader and the UK without a Prime Minister. One journalist asked former PM Theresa May if she’d consider temporarily stepping back into the hot seat if asked. She told him “I’d rather drink a pint of my own piss.”