Republic Of Ireland Announce Retirement From International Football

Th Republic of Ireland men’s senior team has retired from international football with immediate effect. FAI chairman Jonathan Dunne made the announcement at a press conference in Dublin this morning.

“We’ve decided to give the long suffering Irish fans a treat for their years of dedication by not making them watch the lads play ever again. You’re welcome. We feel it’s the least we could do after last night’s abomination.”

Ten games into Stephen Kenny’s tenure without a win culminated in a shock 1-0 home defeat to Luxembourg last night. Kenny has been trying to change the culture of Irish football and transform the style of play into a more attractive passing game. Unfortunately the message clearly isn’t getting through to the players who spent most of yesterday’s game passing the ball to the Luxembourg players.

Dunne said there’s a very simple reason the current Irish team is so poor.

“Most of our lads play for Preston North End, Derby County and the mighty Luton Town. Anyone who thinks we have the players to compete on the international stage should put their head in a saucepan of water and boil it very slowly. There’s a reason our players don’t play for the likes of Manchester United or Liverpool anymore. Have you worked out what it is yet or do I need to spell it out for you?
T.h.e.y.’r.e. n.o.t. g.o.o.d. e.n.o.u.g.h.”

Dunne said the soccer goalposts have already been removed from the pitch at the Aviva Stadium and the rugby goalposts cemented in permanently so nobody can change their mind and have the horrible idea of ever attempting to play football there again.